Date: Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 9:15 PM
Subject: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG
To: Joan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hey Joan, look what I just found! Aren’t you glad now I’m such a nerd? This is a bigger deal than we thought. Come over tonight.
———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Mon, Aug 13, 2012 at 3:31 AM
Subject: Here’s that transcript you requested
CBA-SBS Transcript (TOP SECRET)
Source: Hidden Mic CBA-SB51934
Location: S El Camino Real & E Hillsdale Blvd
Subject(s): Joan Ashford, “Angie”
Summary: Cell phone conversation on the corner. Encounter with RT-0.1.545.
Hey Ange, how’s it going? Could you do me a small, teensy-weensy favor? Could you pick me up? I really don’t feel safe walking home tonight.
You are so not going to believe this. On my way to work, passing under the bridge? I met a troll. It wasn’t literally a troll. Duh. But I’m calling it a troll because that’s the best word I’ve got. No, not an internet troll, you nerd. I’m being serious!
It walked out of the wall, right in front of me, and I slammed right into it. I was kind of in a rush. Late for work. You know how I am. I started apologizing before I even knew what was happening. Then I saw its face and I screamed. Which I think scared the poor little thing so bad it tried to run back into the wall where it came out from. But it missed. It hit the concrete and fell over again.
Why would I make this up? You should know me enough to know I don’t talk shit like that. [unintelligible]
I wanted to get out of there so bad but I couldn’t. I felt this weird tingling sensation and I just couldn’t pull away. Its like there was magic that turned me into a magnet. Of course I don’t mean actual magic. Dude, you’re really obnoxious with the skepticism sometimes. From one atheist to another, you need to chill the fuck out. If you want to come up with your alternate explanation theories, do it later.
Anyways, so the troll thing is stunned and there I am unable to leave. I felt this buzzing feeling, not like being electrocuted, but more like… I don’t know. It was buzzing, and it was weird. It was coming from the troll. I walked up to it and there was this blue diamond-looking thing in its hand. I just had to pick it up. I couldn’t not pick it up. I know I’m a klepto, but this was completely different.
When I picked it up the buzzing got stronger, and it was practically yanking my arm back to the magic door or whatever. I reached out to touch the wall, and the closer my hand got the stronger I felt the buzz. My hand never touched the wall, dude. It went right through like the wall wasn’t even there. It didn’t disappear, it just got really fuzzy. Har har, with the jokes about the body hair and me never shaving. Who shaves their arms, seriously? Well, I mean, yeah, Krystal shaves her arms, but I’m just waiting for her to figure out it’s not worth it. All you have to do is wait and the estrogen takes care the of the rest, is all I’m saying. It worked that way for me. Anyways. You sidetracked me! Stop interrupting!
So my hand went through the wall, and I just kept going. Ew, you perv, no I was not fisting the bridge. The bridge does not have a vagina. It has a magic door that a troll popped out of. That does NOT make them the same thing. Why are you so gross?
So I got all the way in to my shoulder–shut up, Angie, shut up–when I felt something touch me on the other side! Freaky, right? But things were freaky enough already, and I think I was in shock or something, because I didn’t run away screaming. I poked my head through the wall. Ok, first I scraped my nose with concrete before figuring out my arm was at the very edge of the door. So I moved over and THEN I poked my face through. You know what I saw?
Nothing at all. It was completely dark. No light at all. It wasn’t even like night time. It was darker. THAT made me finally snap. I pulled my arm out as fast as I could. That’s when I met the second troll. No wait, I take that back–that’s when I threw the second troll onto the road. Thank god there wasn’t any traffic or anything. His friend right next to me woke up and started yelling at me. What happened next… It gets hazy here. Oh, no, right, he wasn’t yelling at me, he was yelling at something behind me. Then I got hit from behind, and when I woke up I was sitting on the bench in front of the bar. I must’ve walked there on autopilot like a zombie. But forget zombies! I found a real-life troll!
Here’s the best part, Angie: I still have the diamond.
Note 1: Timestamps removed. I know you hate those.
Note 2: These incidents are increasing in frequency in the South Bay. Action recommended.
Note 3: Recommendation: Trail Joan Ashford.