The Start-to-Hate Review System

with special guest Black Dahlia Parton

The year 2000 carried with it so much promise: A brighter future, the end of the world as we know it, and widespread panic as people realized they will eventually have to differentiate between 1920 and 2020. Newspapers printed the last original Peanuts comic strip, the first long-term crew arrived at the International Space Station, and in the dark recesses of the fledgling internet, a site called Old Man Murray published the Crate Review System, a satirical video game review article.

The Crate Review System, also known as “Start-to-Crate”, made light of the most aggravating and persistent stain in the rich tapestry of video games: the ubiquitous crate. Every game has them, and to the sophisticated gamer, they stick out like a sore thumb. The Start-to-Crate system rated games based on how long it took for the player to find a crate. The longer it took, the better the game.

I had no interest in Peanuts at the time and didn’t give a hoot about the ISS, but I was a hardcore gamer and loved this article. Inspired by this jab at a beloved medium, I now propose the Start to Hate Review System. The concept is simple: Rate media based on how long it takes to encounter something bigoted. The longer it takes, the better the media. No surprise, the Crate Review System itself doesn’t fare well.

This system ignores content that is about bigotry–for example, the message in American History X is against white supremacy, so it might survive this metric unscathed. (Or it might not. I haven’t watched it in a long time and don’t feel like crushing my soul again to find out.) Instead we will focus on media where bigotry is present in the author’s voice. The Sound of Music gets a pass, Mein Kampf does not. (See? I took care of Godwin’s Law for you right at the beginning. Never say I don’t love my readers.)

In my reviews I will focus on transmisogyny and heterosexism, not because they are the most important forms of bigotry, but because I am affected by them firsthand and know them best. I’m going to pass over casual cissexism (like “vagina” as a stand-in for “woman”) and only count the more overt cases of hatred. Otherwise I’d only get to watch five seconds of any show. You might give the same media a different rating, and I encourage you to do so! Nobody owns the Start-to-Hate rating system. It’s open-source GYAAAAAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU for the masses.

My partner in hate-crime is Black Dahlia Parton, who contacted me under the misguided notion that I have a solid readership and a strong work ethic. We all make mistakes.

Since this rating system was inspired by a video game article, it’s fitting we start with a video game:

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